SOS.

January didn’t look anything like I wanted it to this year. It was rubbish. I had the worst case of January blues I have ever suffered from and when it finally lifted, I was hit with a big ol’ case of flu. In fact, no, that’s not entirely right. I didn’t get over my January blues until I was starting to feel better from the flu – the latter no doubt having an impact on the former.

My January blues actually started in December, during the week that I binned the mince pies. I realised during that week how much of an impact my surroundings have on me and taking down my shelves and packing up my old flat to move into this one had a surprisingly negative effect on my mood. What should have been the easiest move in the world has turned into something of a first world nightmare. You see, as lovely as the bones of my new flat are, they’re a little too apparent and I have spent the last six weeks too cold, damp and generally miserable. Apparently my new flat’s previous tenant didn’t think twice about living with wet walls and draughty windows. I, on the other hand, was not happy about the situation and after a month of shivering through the nights and waking up with a headache while waiting for my landlord to do something other than buy me a dehumidifier, my resilience finally wore out. I’m not going to dwell on how miserable the state of my flat was making me because it’s being dealt with now and I’m beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel; all you need to know is that the move here took its toll and triggered a really low patch for me mentally and emotionally.

My mood grew increasingly low and I lost all my usually pep and motivation. Some days I struggled to get out of bed and others I couldn’t bear the effort required to take a shower. I slipped into a vicious circle of not having the energy to cook, so getting a take away, and then suffering an even lower mood due to the decreasing quality of my diet. Similarly, I didn’t have the energy to put my clothes away, so they ended up in a heap on the floor, the sight of which made me unhappy and added to the mountain of things that I felt like I needed to do.

After about a month of spiralling lower and lower, I finally reached out to my friends and family and told them that I was struggling. I didn’t need or want them to do anything in particular, but I hoped that by telling them what was going on, that I would be fully accepting of the state I was in and would be forced to stop pretending that it wasn’t happening. And I was right. Once I admitted that something was really quite seriously wrong with my emotional state, I found it much easier to claw my way back up out of the dark pit I had slipped into. It would be easy to think that if I hadn’t said anything, then the dark cloud would have lifted anyway as time heals all things, but I know that the simple act of telling my nearest and dearest is what kick-started my ascension out of that low place. Next time it happens, and it will, I will ask for help sooner.

I took my own advice of doing what I could, when I could, which looked like getting the bare essentials done when I had the energy to do them and not letting myself get distracted by unimportant tasks. Mostly this meant writing a shopping list, going shopping and batch cooking some easy meals so that when I inevitably couldn’t face cooking at the end of a long day, I wouldn’t have to do more than heat something up. I got very good at catching myself starting to do something unimportant (like trying to get my new shower caddies to stick to the bathroom wall) and stopping myself before I used up that precious energy that I needed to actually take a shower.

If you don’t understand what I mean, it’s like this: at some point during a low day, I would suddenly get hit by a wave of good energy and be tempted to start doing all the things that I want to get done around my flat. Things like putting up new shelves and cutting my lawn. I’d rather do these nice things with this sudden burst of energy than a boring thing like writing a shopping list but halfway through the fun job I’d burn out. The motivation was replaced by a wave of lethargy so strong than even staying stood up felt like too much effort. Before I knew it, I was riding a wave of much lower energy and I still hadn’t written a shopping list. Worse yet, I now had half a shelf mounted and the mess to clean up. So I got good at stopping myself from doing these tempting but ultimately unimportant things. When a wave of energy came, I used it to get the bare essentials done. I wrote a shopping list, I went shopping, I batch cooked healthy meals, I put my clothes away and I rested.

One of the kindest things I did for myself during that time, was leave my flat for a few days and stay with Watson. This was a calculated move. I’m fascinated by relationships and attachment styles and am personally working on healing my codependent tendencies with the ultimate goal of transcending from an anxious attachment style to a secure one. As someone with an anxious attachment style, I physically cannot always self-soothe and regulate my own nervous system. It’s a thing. I literally feel physically calmer when I’m with someone I’m romantically involved with. Being aware of this has been a game changer for me in my healing journey and explains why living alone has taken such a long time to come to terms with. On a good day, I can self soothe and regulate my nervous system when I’m on my own, but there were no good days in January and I decided to carefully and deliberately expose myself to the thing that I knew would have a positive effect on my physical well-being. Watson.

I wasn’t recharging my batteries during my downtime at home because of the condition the flat was in and whilst it was tempting to run away to Watson’s for a few days so that I didn’t have to deal with the flat, I realised that staying at his would actually give me the respite I needed and provide me with some quality downtime to rest and recharge my batteries. I was mindful that I was essentially exposing myself to my favourite drug at a time when I was at my most vulnerable but I hoped that by “using” him in this way, I could restore some of my resilience.

My plan worked, and for the few days that I stayed at Watson’s, I rested. I went to work from his and knowing that I was going home to him at the end of the day was lovely. My body relaxed, my mind eased and so it will be of no surprise to so many of you that after a long period of stress, my body’s response to finally being allowed to switch off was… to get sick.

The morning that I left Watson, he had a sore throat and a tickly cough. Nothing major. Usually, I have the constitution of an ox and don’t catch colds easily but not this time. Not only did I catch Watson’s germs, my body ramped up the response and I spent the next ten days battling flu. I was so ill that I spent the following weekend at home in bed when I would usually have been back at Watson’s. I even told him to stay away so I could sleep through our usual Wednesday evening date night. That’s how sick I was. I took time off work – something I haven’t needed to do since taking the business full-time three years ago. It lead me to form a theory about flu; I no longer believe that flu is something you can catch from other people. I think flu is what happens when your body is already very run down and is exposed to a common cold. I think that’s why there isn’t one known cause of flu and why vaccines need to change every year. Why else would I get flu from the same germs that only gave Watson a cold?

But having flu was actually a blessing in disguise. Feeling so run down left me unable to do anything other than curl up in front of the TV all day with a hot water bottle under my duvet. For the first time in a long time, I binge watched Netflix and spent an entire weekend resting. I slept between 12 and 16 hours a day for a week and fully gave myself permission to do nothing but rest. It was in that space of not being physically able to do anything, that I got bored of not doing anything. Trapped in a prison of body-aching exhaustion, my mind began to wake up and wanted to start working on the things that had seemed too daunting a week ago. Finally, I was feeling ready to finish painting the flat and cut the lawn. Choosing meals to cook and writing a shopping list was interesting to me again and I was frustrated that I didn’t have the physical energy to do those things now that I finally had the mentally energy to do them once more.

The flu was a physical manifestation of the emotional inertia I’d been suffering for weeks. It forced me to stop in a way nothing else could and it has made me reflect on how I live my life and run my business. I’m always the first to say “I can’t afford to take a day off when I’m sick”, but burn out isn’t cute and taking time off when I needed it most, was nothing short of a blessing. So along with my longer-term garage/laundry room house goals, I’m adding a “sick-pay” fund to my list of goals for this year.

I’m still not fully over it now but I have more energy than I have done in weeks and whilst I’m still being careful not to wear myself out by doing too much, I am determined to paint my living room this weekend before my new sofa arrives. I’ve been daydreaming of having a beautiful, feminine living room to read and do puzzles in ever since I started looking for a new flat and that day is getting closer. In mindful to not fall into the trap of “I’ll be happy when…” but for now, having such a tangible goal has returned my motivation which after feeling so low for so long, is a wonderful feeling. I know that there will be other low spells in the future, but now that I know how much of an impact my surroundings have on me, I’m taking steps to improve my home environment so that my batteries are getting recharged in the evenings and on the weekends. I’m hopeful that if I can crack this relaxation malarky once and for all, I might finally have a really strong foundation on which to build the ideal life I’m dreaming of.